A Slight Parody of 3582 Days
by Brahian
Summary: A parody of... well, the title explains all
1. Opening Sequence

A Slight Parody of Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days

Opening Sequence: List of Characters

**At first I didn't want to do the opening sequence, because it's just formatted so weird, but then I figured, "Eh, why not?" So... Here it is.  
I do not own Kingdom Heart, all credit goes to Disney and Square Enix.**

_Heartless collect hearts. Keyblade kills Heartless. Dead heartless release hearts. Hearts join, making Kingdom Hearts. Kingdom Hearts is powerful. Bad guys want power. This is why the Keyblade is important._

"Roxas," said Axel, "Are you really sure you don't have a heart?"

"Of course not," said Roxas. "I'm alive, aren't I?"

"Well," said Axel, "Technically, no."

"Wait…," said Roxas, "So, if we really don't have hearts… Does that mean we don't have lungs, or livers, or brains, either? WE'RE BRAINLESS?!"

"Technically," said Axel, "Yes."

Roxas was about to faint, then he realized that would mean falling 100000000 feet to his death, and decided otherwise. Suddenly, strange music began playing from nowhere in particular. Roxas looked around the clock tower for the source, but found nothing.

"Do you hear that?" he asked.

"I'm pretty sure that's the theme song," said Axel.

"Theme song?" wondered Roxas.

"Just relax," Axel assured him. "It'll be over in a few minutes."

Reluctantly, Roxas sat down beside Axel as the character descriptions began to appear...

I. Xemnas  
A large ham and he's proud of it. For someone who doesn't have a heart, he sure loves drama. He makes everything he says as dramatically cryptic as possible, even when the situation doesn't call for it. Scratch that, especially when the situation doesn't call for it. Controls the element of Nothingness (Try to wrap your mind around that. Yeah, nice try.) and uses two weapons called Ethereal Blades. No, they are NOT lightsabers! (Except they totally are.)

II. Xigbar  
A disfigured man who gives people weird pet names. He kinda creeps me out. Controls the element of Space, and uses weapons called Arrowguns, though they appear to shoot beams of light rather than arrows.

III. Xaldin  
His sideburns are treated by only the best barbers in the World That Never Was, as are his magnificent braids. Controls Air and has six weapons. Cheater.

IV. Vexen  
An old geezer who's not manly enough to use a real weapon, so uses a shield instead. (No offence to any anthropomorphic dogs that may or may not take offense to that.) His puppets have a tendency to end up getting their own agendas and turning against him. Controls Ice.

V. Laxaeus  
Big, burly guy. Doesn't talk much. That's about all you need to know about him. Controls Earth and uses a weapon called an Axe Sword, which looks nothing like either.

VI. Zexion  
Master of illusions, Zexion loves messing with people. Most of what he does makes no sense, including his very emo-looking haircut. His weapon is a Lexicon, which is fancy for Encyclopedic Dictionary, which is fancy for The Power of Boringness.

VII. Saix  
I'd rather not describe Saix, for it would involve a lot of cursing. So let's move on, shall we? Controls… Moon, I guess? Fights with a Claymore. Whatever that is.

VIII. Axel  
Roxas's special friend. What? I meant best friend, you sickos! He's a pretty cool guy, I guess. Controls Fire and uses Chakrams, which are just about the coolest weapon one can use.

IX. Demyx  
The coolest of the cool. Though too lazy to admit it, he's actually a really good fighter. The only uncool thing about him is his mullet. Seriously, nobody does that with their hair anymore. Controls water and fights with a Sitar, which is similar to a guitar.

X. Luxord  
The nerdiest of all nerds: a card player. Life is a game to him, which is fitting, I guess, seeing as he controls Time. Also, his weapons are cards. Nerd.

XI. Marluxia  
Marluxia is… Different. He controls Flowers and has a pink scythe (as well as very bright pink hair). Yes, I said "he".

XII. Larxene  
Larxene is a b****. I'm not sure why that was censored, I meant to say, "big meanie." Despite being the only female (unless Marluxia counts) she's probably one of the manliest in the Organization. Controls Lightning and uses Knives.

"You seek answers," Xemnas said as the character descriptions were suddenly interrupted by a flashback.

Xemnas waved a hand over the boy in front of him, and glowing capital letters appeared in front of him, spelling SORA. Well, either that, or JESSE MCCARTNEY. Xemnas had never been very good at reading.

"We can give you purpose," Xemnas continued, as with a flick of his hand, the letters spun around, scrambling themselves before him. Then, Xemnas stopped the letters and placed a giant glowing X in the middle of them.

As the letters lined themselves up, the boy spoke his new name out loud:

XIII. Roxas  
The only member of the Organization to use the Keyblade, thus making him the most important member. He has a hard time understanding why he's so special, however, and is in fact pretty clueless for most of the game. My alternate character interpretation makes him witty and sarcastic, though, so at least there's that.

"That is right," said Xemnas. "The new you."

"Man, I miss the old times," Axel spoke over the flashback. "Still got it memorized? Back when it was just us two, hanging out, and… _she_ wasn't here…"

XIV. Xion  
What's that? A fourteenth member? Ha, as if! Please, don't be ridiculous! Okay, I'm serious, quit saying she exists, because she doesn't. End of discussion. I said stop it! What was that about my mother?!


	2. Cutscene 1: Meet Xion

A Slight Parody of Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days

Cutscene 1: Meet Xion. Or Don't, Whatever.

**So, for my first story for the Kingdom Hearts fandom, I decided to do a direct parody. These cutscenes are pretty short, so I should be able to update pretty often. More often than my other stories, anyway. So, uh… Yeah.  
I don't own Kingdom Hearts, all credit goes to Disney and Square Enix. Enjoy!**

"Today is an momentous day," announced Xemnas as the entirety of Organization XIII sat on their freakishly tall chairs. "For today is the day we finally, after waiting for what seems like an eternity for it to open, get to eat pizza for dinner at the Pizzeria That Never Was."

"Yaaaay!" cheered the entirety of Organization XIII, except for Roxas.

"What's pizza?" he asked, puzzled.

Axel raised an eyebrow at him. "Did you really forget that much?"

Roxas nodded.

"It's the best food ever, trust me, you'll love it," Axel reassured him.

"And to celebrate this momentous occasion," continued Xemnas, "We will be watching all eight Harry Potter movies at the Theater That Never Was."

"Yaaaay!" cheered Organization XIII, except for Roxas.

"What's Harry Potter?" he asked.

"You disgust me, Roxas," said Larxene. "Well, just about everyone disgusts me, but you are especially disgusting."

"Yeah, Roxas," said Demyx, "Even I agree with that, and I was the most disgusting before you came along."

Roxas shrugged. "I'm pretty sure my former self didn't eat pizza or watch Harry Potter either."

There was an awkward silence.

"That's physicaly impossible," argued Xigbar.

"No, I'm pretty sure he was too busy saving the worlds from being consumed by the darkness."

There was an even more awkward silence after this.

"Yeah, let's just go get the pizza, shall we?" asked Marluxia, whom I still can't believe is a dude.

"But wait, Superior," interrupted Vexen, "What about the Replica- I mean the puppet- I mean the pawn for our evil plan- I mean-"

"Yes, that," interrupted Xemnas before he could leak out any important plot points. "Organization, meet Number XIV, one of the Keyblade's chosen!"

A hooded figure, whose hood concealed her face, stepped forward, then stood before them looking really, really creepy. But not as creepy as she did when she smiled at Roxas seconds later.

"Um, who cares?" asked Demyx. "Come on, let's go get some pizza!"


	3. Cutscene 2: The Dark Margin

A Slight Parody of Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days

Cutscene 2: The Dark Margin. Whatever That Means.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. All credit goes to Disney and Square Enix.**

"I've been to see him," remarked Xemnas in his freakishly deep voice. "He looks a lot like you."

"Um…," said Roxas. "Who are you talking about?"

"You know," said Xemnas. "Him. That one guy who looks a lot like you?"

"Uh, nope, doesn't ring a bell," admitted Roxas.

Xemnas sighed. "Well, aren't you going to ask me who I am?"

"No," said Roxas. "Anyone could recognize you with that freakishly deep voice of yours!"

"Just do it," said Xemnas.

"Fine," sighed Roxas. "Who are you?"

"I'm what's left," said Xemnas. "Or maybe… I'm all there ever was."

"Yeah, see, that's why I didn't want to ask," explained Roxas. "Because I knew you'd come up with something horribly cryptic like that."

Xemnas gritted his teeth. If Xemnas had any feelings, Roxas might have thought he was getting angry. "Just ask me my name."

"Oh, no need," said Roxas. "It's Xehanort."

"That's Master Xehanort to you!" yelled Xemnas in a sudden outburst of something that might have been classified as anger, if he had any feelings.

"I mean, um," Xemnas said, calming down a bit, "Xemnas. Yeah, that's what it is."

"Uh huh, sure," said Roxas sarcastically, "and I'm Jesse McCartney."

Xemnas sighed, completely giving up his hope that Roxas would take the conversation in the direction Xemnas wanted it, so he instead decided to skip to the end.

"You have been with us for six days now. The time has come…"

Xemnas removed his hood slowly and got up even more slowly. He walked over to Roxas even more slowly, if only to lengthen the suspense. As he passed Roxas, he made sure to whisper his true name as slow as possible.

"_Sora…_"

Roxas was silent for a moment, trying to figure out the dramatically cryptic message.

"Wait," he said, "You mean my Somebody ISN'T Jesse McCartney?! NOOOO! EVERYTHING I KNOW IS WRONG!"

Xemnas raised an eyebrow and backed away. That was the most awkward conversation he'd ever had.


	4. Cutscenes 3 and 4: Xion's Defeat

A Slight Parody of Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days

Cutscenes 3 and 4: The Man with Black Reflexes Defeats Xion, Quite Easily

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts; all credit goes to Disney and Square Enix**

Riku removed his hood dramatically and recalled his encounter with Xion. Of course, he hadn't known her name was Xion, but…

It had been an epic battle. Keyblade against Keyblade, they had fought ferociously. But eventually, relenting darkness prevailed over artificial light in one of the most epic metaphors I have ever written, and Xion fell to the ground, her Keyblade sticking out of the stone beside her.

"You foolishly foolish fool!" laughed Riku in a very out-of-character moment. It might have been because his blindfold had fallen off. "Did you honestly think you could defeat Ansem, Seeker of Darkness!? I mean, um…" Riku looked around until he finally found his blindfold, putting it safely over his eyes. "Riku, Seeker of… Not darkness, that's for sure! Maybe redemption…"

Xion gave him a weird look, which he unfortunately couldn't see. Then, she suddenly realized her hood had fallen off and placed it over her face, hoping he hadn't seen her.

"Also," said Riku, "What's up with your face?"

Xion was suddenly offended. "Hey!" she shouted. "Just because you beat me in a fight doesn't give you the right to call me ugly!"

"No, no, it's not that!" Riku assured her. "It was just you looked so familiar, I…"

"Familiarly UGLY?!" Xion questioned him angrily.

"No, not at all!" Riku continued defending himself. "In fact, I'd say you're quite beautiful!"

But XIon was far too angry to listen to him anymore, and… well, let's just say that's the story of how Riku ended up looking like DiZ: with bandages all over his body and face. Creepy red bandages, too. You could say there were two DiZ's now. Only one of them had fantastic hair!

What Xion didn't manage to do, however, is convince him to stop wearing the coat.


	5. Cutscene 5: Namine and DiZ

A Slight Parody of Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days

Cutscene 5: DiZ and Naminé Play a Nice Game of Chess

**Hey guys! Doomsday's here! So, to celebrate the end of this wonderful earth, I decided to sit on my butt and write about fictional characters for hours on end! So, yeah, since I have so much free time today, I might be able to update twice. Maybe. Don't count on it.  
I do not own Kingdom Hearts: all credit goes to Disney and Square Enix.**

"You seem to be struggling," DiZ noted, chuckling slightly,

"Your bishop," said Naminé, "Is interfering with my plans, I think."

"My bishop?" asked DiZ, just noticing it.

Naminé nodded. "I keep trying to move it out of the way, but what if that leaves my pawn open to attack? There would be no way for me to stop you. If that happened, and you got rid of my pawn… I'd never win the game."

"Oh, I think you could to without a pawn or two," DiZ admitted, pointing out her surplus of pawns.

"But… what if I need that pawn in order to win?" asked Naminé. "What if it's the key?"

"Naminé," said DiZ, "If your pawn goes anywhere near my queen, it would be completely obliterated. Are you seeing something that I cannot?"

"If your queen moves a single square," warned Naminé, "she would never survive it."

"She?" asked DiZ, surprised.

"Yes, she," replied Naminé. "Is that not the pronoun we use when referring to a queen?"

"Right, yes, of course," said DiZ. "I'm not sure why I was so surprised about that. So, how's it going with Sora's memory?"

"Um…," muttered Naminé.


	6. Cutscene 6: Why the Sun Sets Red

A Slight Parody of Kingdom Hearts: 3598/2 Days

Cutscene 6: A Lesson in Photochemistry

**Hey guys, so, I posted another chapter at the beginning of the story, because it's the opening sequence. At first I didn't want to write it, but then I did, so, yeah, it arrived a little late. So just head back there if you want to read it.  
I do not own Kingdom Hearts. All credit goes to Disney and Square Enix. Enjoy!**

"You're early," noted Axel.

"No, you're just late," joked Roxas as Axel sat next to him.

There was a short silence as they ate their ice cream, but it was interrupted by Roxas speaking up.

"Today makes 255," he muttered.

"What's that all about?" wondered Axel.

"It's been that many days," explained Roxas, "Since I first joined the Organization.

"So, you're got it memorized, do ya?" asked Axel.

"Yeah," said Roxas. "Gotta hang on to something, right? It's not like I had any memories before. Don't you remember? I didn't know what pizza was!"

"Yeah, that was pretty bad," said Axel. "But not as bad as when you said you didn't like pizza."

"I had an allergic reaction to the tomato sauce!" argued Roxas. "Naturally, I wouldn't like that!"

"And then when the Sandwich Shop That Never Was opened up," Axel reminded him, "You freaked out when I tried to put ketchup on your sandwich."

"Yes," said Roxas. "And the movies we watched to celebrate that were just awful."

"Oh come on," said Axel. "Who doesn't like Star Wars?"

"I find it slightly odd that the only movies we ever watch are totally nerdy," Roxas admitted.

"We have a card player, someone obsessed with music, a guy who freaks out when he sees the moon, someone with a book for a weapon, an apprentice putteer, and an evil mastermind bent on ruling the universe in our Organization," said Axel. "I figured you'd notice by now that we're incredibly nerdy."

"Yeah," said Roxas, " But I didn't think we were _Star Wars_ nerdy."

Axel shook his head. "Say, Roxas," he said, changing the subject. "You ever wonder why the sun sets red? See, light is made up of lots of colors, and they all travel at different frequencies and wavelengths Red light has a wavelength of over 700 nanometers and a frequency of over 1000000000000000000 waves pet second, making it able to travel much farther than-"

"Okay, okay," said Roxas. "Oddly specific much?"

Axel smiled and shrugged. "Like I said, we're incredibly nerdy."

After a little more idle chatter, Roxas finally asked, "Okay, seriously, where is she?"

Axel sat up dramatically and looked away. "She's not coming today," he muttered.

"Why not?" asked Roxas, a worried look quickly creeping over his face.

"Because," said Axel, "She's getting her nails done."


	7. Cutscene 7: A Snarl of Memories

A Slight Parody of Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days

Cutscene 7: Just your average mind screw, courtesy of Kingdom Hearts

**Sorry, this one's so late, guys, I've been... distracted recently. But no worries, I've worked it all out, and I should be updating more regularly now.  
****This cutscene is a little more serious than the last few... for some reason...  
I do not own Kingdom Hearts, all credit goes to Disney and Square Enix.**

Roxas was walking along the beach, minding his own business, when he saw a seashell. He remembered how Xion left seashells by his side whenever he'd been unconscious. He decided, now it was his turn to do the same.

As he picked up the seashell, he silently whispered Xion's name. He missed her. So much.

That was forgotten, however, as he looked up and saw her walking to their little island they'd shared... wait... they had never shared that island... had they?

Roxas shook the conflicting thoughts out of his head as he realized Xion was there! There! In front of him!

"XION, YOU'RE BACK!" Roxas ran over to her, a huge smile on his face... but then he saw hers.

Xion removed her hood, and long blueish hair fell onto her face. She also somehow managed to grow several inches taller. Somehow.

Roxas said the only thing he could think of. "Zexion... You wear HEELS?!"

ZeXion (lol see what I did there?) smiled. "Surely, you must have known that this was going to happen?"

"So first people are calling me Sora, and now Shirley?" questioned Roxas. "Make up your minds already!"

"How should I know?" asked a voice behind Roxas.

Roxas turned around to see someone... familiar. It was that guy from his vision! Only younger. And less fashionably dressed. Roxas guessed this was Shirley, and ZeXion had been talking to him.

"Because in your memory," continued ZeXion as his voice got all echo-y and far away, "You've been to a number of worlds before this one. And of course, in those worlds, the only beings you met were the dark kind. That's all that's left in your heart. The darkest of memories. Your memories of home are gone, every one of them.

"Wow," muttered Roxas. "This guy really is as emo as he looks."

"That's a lie!" yelled Shirley. "I remember everyone from the islands!"

At this point, Roxas felt something changing inside of him. He looked down at his hands, and noticed the fingers were turning smaller, thinner. And then his black hair fell into his face.

"HOLY CRAP, I'M XION!" Roxas exclaimed in a really high-pitched voice. "Is this some sort of wierd dream? Because it had better be ending soon!"

"They're my... my...," Shirley stuttered, seemingly struggling for words, "My closest friends!"

Roxas felt himself changing again, but this time, his clothes changed with him. He looked down to see himself clothed in blue and yellow.

"OH HECK NO," exclaimed Roxas. "Who even wears this anymore? And what kind of name is Shirley?!"

"And who threw away those friends?" question ZeXion. "Maybe it's your own actions you've forgotten. It was you who destroyed your home!"

Roxas's eyes widened as he felt himself change again. His now white hair turned brown, shortened, and began sticking out in odd places. He grew slightly thinner and more... thin. He found himself wearing bright red pants, a really cool jacket, and an even cooler necklace shaped like a crown.

Somehow... this felt _right._

But the feeling didn't stay for long. As soon as the transformation completed, Roxas opened his eyes and the dream began to quickly fade away. But he didn't want it to. Who was that boy he'd turned into? And this Shirley guy... was he important?


	8. Cutcenes 8 and 9: Riku and Roxas

A Slight Parody of Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days

Cutscenes 8 and 9: Riku's Revenge; Roxas's Rebuttal.

**Yeah, so, I lied about updating regularly... Blame my horrible procrastinating self.  
I don't own Kingdom Hearts, all credit goes to Disney and Square Enix.**

It had been days, weeks, months, before the wounds had finally healed. That Nobody had left him with scars that were just now starting to fade, but now... Now he would finally get his revenge.

Riku walked up to Xion, who was lying on the ground, and pulled out his trusty Keyblade, Soul Eater. He held the weapon right over her throat and was about to swing down, when suddenly...

"Excuse me, sir," said someone behind him. "I think you dropped this."

Turning around, Riku saw a boy holding up something that looked slightly like a blindfold. He wasn't focused on what was in his hand, however. He was focused on the boy: Blond hair, blue eyes. That was the exact description DiZ had given him. This was Sora's Nobody. Roxas.

"Uh... Thanks," said Riku, putting the blindfold back over his eyes. As he transformed back to his natural state, Roxas let out a gasp.

"Shirley?!" he cried.

"Uh... what?" asked Riku.

"I saw you," explained Roxas. "In a dream. Two of them, actually! Only in one of them you were younger and less fashionably dressed, and you weren't wearing that blindfold. What's up with that, anyway?"

"Uh..." Riku didn't even begin to know how to respond to that.

Suddenly, Roxas looked over behind Riku. "Hey isn't that Xion?"

"No!" Riku stepped in front of her face so Roxas couldn't see it. "That is most definitely not Xion!"

"Wait a minute," said Roxas. "Why are you wearing that coat? Are you that guy that Xion was sent out to fight?"

"You sure ask a lot of questions, don't you?" asked Riku.

"Okay, the gig is up, Shirley," said Roxas. "Stop wearing that coat, and give us back Xion!"

"My name isn't Shirley," said Riku as he picked up Xion, "And she'll come back when she wants to."

And with that, he pulled open a Corridor of Darkness and stepped through, closing the portal behind him.

Roxas narrowed his eyes. "Shirley is totally his name."


End file.
